Clearing My Soul
by GothicLightning
Summary: SLASH HPNL. In nevilles point of view. He is fed up of being fat and called the geek so he turns anorexic hoping to fit in and be loved but it pushes him further away (better summary in 1st chap)


_Author: I would love to get reviews so hint hint! Anyway before any of you ask i have encountered Anorexia first hand so i know all about it (even though it is different for many people) and it isn't nice or good. So any way on with everything else._

_Warnings: SLASH, Anorexia, some swearing._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot._

_Pairings: NevillexHarry._

_Summary: Being fed up of being a geek and being called fat Neville becomes Anorexic hoping to be accepted by his classmates and the one he loves yet he becomes more apart from them then anything and as he becomes weaker Voldemort becomes more powerful to start a war. His love will need him to fight is he the power that voldemort knows not?_

_**Clearing My Soul!**_

Neville Longbottom was a chubby boy and was short for his age. Even Harry Potter who used to be the shortest boy in their year was taller then him. Neville was also a very shy boy who let people walk all over him. He wasn't brave, he wasn't strong and he was handsome. This made him a geek, or so he felt. Even when he went to the department of mysteries with Harry and his friends he still wasn't classed as anything other then Neville, the guy everyone could rely on, and the geek of the Gryffindor house. Even though Harry and his friends talked to Neville he knew he didn't belong there. After all how could he? They were all thin and popular, brave and smart everything he wasn't and he hated it. He even heard some people say that he was the cause of Harry getting injured protecting him. This heart Neville a lot, did people truly think that he wasn't powerful enough to protect himself?

Every night when the boys in his dorm went to sleep he would lay awake crying to himself just thinking about his life and how bad it was. He always compared himself to everyone around him especially Harry Potter. How could he not? Harry was everything a wizard wanted to be; rich, powerful and handsome yet he wasn't arrogant like Malfoy nor was he conceited he was nice and friendly to everyone unless you insulted him or his friends. Now Neville was gay, he knew he was which made him feel even more of a freak. In the wizarding world being gay wasn't a taboo like it was in the muggle world but many people didn't come out about it either. It was something most people kept to their selves just like poor Neville did. This meant that Neville held a large infatuation with the one thing he felt he could never have Harry James Potter aka the boy-who-lived. How could he not?

Harry had, had a growth spurt during the summer before the fifth year and though he had a sort of pinched look about him, as if he had grown to fast he was still handsome. With his dark hair that fell over his head in a devil may care hairstyle and bright emerald green eyes that had seen too much in too short a time yet still held innocence? His skin was sun kissed and so pure and clear Neville just longed to stroke it and feel if it was as soft as it looked yet he never did. Because they were on the summer holidays now Neville didn't know what Harry looked like now because many things could change during the couple of months they had off but he did know how he longed to see him again.

Neville sighed as he thought about his dark haired angel and turned onto his back looking towards his ceiling. He heard the door to his grandmother's house opening and her greeting someone loudly and happily. Neville being curious walked to the stairs and sat at the top of them so he could hear what they were on about. By what he could hear it was an old woman the same age as his grandmother and with a scratchier voice.

"So how is young Neville?" the stranger asked.

"Not so good Martha," Neville heard his grandmother sigh. His eyes widened as he heard his grandmother say this.

"Oh? How so?"

"He isn't that good at magic he's just about better then a squib and then he is shy, clumsy and I know I shouldn't say this but he isn't as handsome as his young father. He eats to much," Neville felt tears fall from his eyes as his grandmother said this. Before he could hear anything more he ran to his room. He punched at his door, he punched at his pillows before he exhausted himself and then fell to the floor tears falling. Many people had called him fat but he never listened to them mostly because his grandmother said that he was perfect but now he had heard her say the very same thing it broke his resolve. Harry flashed before his closed eyes and Neville watched as the imaginary Harry pointed at him and laughed harshly calling him fat over and over again. Saying he could never love a lard arse like him. That night Neville cried himself to sleep having nightmare after nightmare of the many people that had called him fat.

The next morning Neville woke up and knew that he had to do something so he started a training regime. He did ten sit-ups and ten press-ups and then he walked downstairs. He met his grandmother and greeted her normally hiding what he was feeling behind a mask of what he usually acted like. A full English breakfast was set before him and Neville looked at it with disgust before slowly eating it. He thanked his grandmother after he was finished and walked back up to his room. He rushed straight to his adjoining bathroom and threw up the contents of his breakfast and then some. He felt free. He felt better and as if he was clearing his soul. He cleaned his teeth and looked in the mirror looking at his chubby cheeks, his double chin and he glared at himself then becoming angry at what he looked like he threw the vase that was on his window shelf at he mirror smashing and cracking it which distorted the image on the mirror so he would never have to see it staring back at him again. He then went back to his room and did his homework trying his best at the magical theory as he couldn't do magic outside of school until it was lunch. He had his lunch and then did as he did in the morning he threw it all up again feeling the cleansing feeling and as if he was truly getting thinner even though he had only started in the morning.

He continued this way all the way during the summer holidays. The sizes of his meals got smaller and smaller until it looked like the size of a baby's dinner. He could now do two hundred sit-ups and press-ups and he was continuing to throw up every little thing he ate. His grandmother was in despair. She didn't know what he was doing. They didn't have anything like this in the magical world. If she had gone to the muggle world though she would have found out he suffered from Anorexia. He had gotten thinner over the holidays and he had gotten a six-pack due to the exercises he did in the morning. He didn't notice though that his face was becoming gaunt and skeletal, he didn't notice that his skin was starting to turn a greyish colour and his eyes were becoming sunken. He didn't care he was thin and he knew the magical theory very well. He smiled maybe now Harry could love him back because he was like everyone else.

It was now time for him to go back to school. Neville walked through kings cross-station not noticing the looks he was getting and walked through the barrier to Platform nine and three quarters. No one said hi to him or even talked to him. He looked so different they didn't recognise him which Neville was very please about. He stood on the platform debating whether to get a compartment yet when he heard the whispering of the crowd. Neville turned around and saw the crowd parting and he just knew that Harry was here. When Harry came close to him Neville gasped as he gazed at his angel. He had changed a lot and some of it wasn't for the better.

Harry was still tall and was now broad shouldered and had a thin waist. Neville could tell by the top he was wearing that Harry was very muscular now and his tan had deepened. His legs were still as long though they looked a lot more powerful and his hair had lengthened to just below his shoulders and had nose inch fringe that covered on eye. His eyes though had changed the most. They used to hold innocence no matter what they faced, as if they had an inner light but now they were dull and flat and made him look broken. He was by himself and was dragging his trunk and owl behind him as if he couldn't care less.

"Excuse me please," Neville heard his angel ask in a dull, flat tone. Neville just gaped at the change in his angel.

"Huh?" Neville asked dumbly causing an irritated look to flash on Harry's face.

"I said excuse me please I want to get on the train," Harry said again this time much more forcefully.

Neville could only nod and stepped aside for Harry to get on the train. He didn't say thanks and he didn't look back he just walked off to the back of the train. Neville was upset about the changes in Harry and grabbing his trunk he followed Harry down to the back of the train. He waited about five minutes for Harry to settle down before he walked in and smiled kindly at Harry.

"Can I sit here?" Neville asked timidly being embarrassed around the guy he was in love with. He saw Harry look him up and down and Neville felt embarrassed Harry still thought he was fat.

"Sure it's a free country," he said flatly.

"Thanks Harry," Neville stated causing Harry's head to rise sharply.

"How do you know who I am?" he asked then barked out a sharp laugh.

"Of course how could I forget I'm Harry Potter everyone knows who I am," he said harshly.

"No Harry it's me Neville," Neville said holding his hands out in defence. Neville watched as Harry's face broke out in a smile.

"Neville thank god. I thought you were one of those fans. You look different," he said lightly. Neville nodded and sat down smiling.

"Yeah I know I've been on a diet recently," Neville said.

"I can tell," inside Neville was nearly breaking down so Harry did used to think he was fat. Did he still think he was fat? Neville bet that Harry was still thinking that he was fat. He now felt very self-conscious and wrapped his arms around his middle as if to comfort him.

"Are you ok Neville?" Harry asked. Neville smiled. Harry was still a saint worrying about others before himself.

"I'm fine Harry thank you what about you though?" he asked concerned.

"As good as could be I suppose. You don't blame me for what happened do you?" Harry asked at the end quietly.

"Of course not! Why should I be? After all if it wasn't for you I would have been killed!" Neville exclaimed.

"Well Mrs Weasley said I was a danger to her children as did Mrs Granger," Harry said slowly and he blinked furiously. Neville could tell he was holding back tears but before Neville could mention it the look of distress was gone. It was hidden behind an emotionless mask causing Neville to look shock.

"Harry I do not blame you! You are not a danger to me I swear," Neville stated smiling. Harry smiled and was just about to say something when the door to the compartment and standing there was Hermione, Ron, Ginny and Luna. Neville watched as Harry looked upset and then hid it.

"HARRY!" they all cried as one and ran at him hugging the life out him. Neville sighed inwardly he wished he could do that but who would want to hug someone as fat as him.

"I thought I was a danger to you all?" Harry stated as everybody sat back.

"Oh they are parents they know nothing else then their children and be so damn overprotected. Hell we weren't even allowed to contact each other," Ron stated with Hermione nodding her agreement.

"You are still our best friend," Hermione said forcefully with everyone nodding. They turned and saw Neville sitting there.

"Um Hello who are you?" Hermione asked nicely.

"It's Neville Guys," Harry said smiling. Ron looked at him with his eyes widening.

"Bloody Hell Neville you're not as fat as you were!" Ron said brutally causing Hermione to redden and elbow him. Harry watched on in shock as Neville's face fell and he ran from the room.

They all thought he was fat and they still he was. After all he wasn't as fat as he was before but he was still fat. He went straight to the bathroom and put a locking charm on the door and went to the toilet and threw up his guts though there was nothing in his stomach. Blood came up in the sick showing he was pushing too much. He was retching so hard he didn't hear someone whisper a charm that made the wards fall and open the door. He also didn't hear when someone called his name softly. The only time he was aware of someone else there was when they opened the stall to where he had threw up and he watched in grim shock as the person took in his dishevelled look and put two and two together.

"Neville?!" the person called in shock.

"Harry," Neville said with tears falling. He was caught and he knew he would be ridiculed and his angel would never love him.

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_Author: How was it? Is it ok? I hope it is different from everything out there and please review it'll make me want to write more!_


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